Does infertility ever not hurt?

First off I would like to thank you for the support from my last post. I will probably be contacting the people who offered after my mom gets a definite diagnosis.

There has been something on my mind for a while now. I was going through some pictures of my baby girl the other night, and I started crying. She is growing up way too fast. I'm trying to soak up every moment, every milestone, every smile. But its just going by too damn fast.

I love her to death. I'm grateful for every moment. Even more so, since all the doctors told us we would never get pregnant without major intervention. And somehow we beat the odds and got pregnant. Twice. No IUI's, No IVF's. It just blows my mind that we are parents. I will say infertility has made me a better parent. I don't get (too) upset if she has a rough day or gets up in the middle of the night. It's only going to last for a little while, so I just take it in. Nothing lasts forever.

So, I post on a playgroup/expecting club board. It's a place for me to ask, is this normal? Lately there have been several posts on "trying to conceive". Hell, some women are already pregnant. And it upsets me.

I by, NO MEANS, want to have another baby anytime in the next year or so (though if it happens, I won't be too upset either) . I'm loving life with C, and I want to enjoy her without feeling gross and tired all the time.

I'm not jealous of the fact that they are pregnant (much, since I'm not ready for another baby or pregnancy at this point). I'm jealous they get pregnant so damn easily. I'm jealous of the women who post they are going to start trying in the fall, so they can have a summer baby.

Do they know how lucky they are?! No. They take fertility for granted, like most people in this world.

I feel robbed that I don't get to choose when or whereabout I'll get pregnant. I can stop taking birth control pills, and we can try. There is no guarantee we will ever get pregnant in my fertile years. Of course, no one has that guarantee.

Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to be a parent. And honestly if we never have another baby, I think I will be ok. Yes, I'll be disappointed, but I am blessed beyond belief with a sweet, easygoing, beautiful, spunky, smart baby. I just wish the time would slow down.

It's just been hard for me to accept this might be my last and only baby. I pray, hope that it isn't. DH and I have always wanted 2 or more kids. ( And please don't give me the adoption spill. We will adopt if we feel led to. I don't at this moment. Its my right as an adult to choose how I want to expand my family.)

But, for now, we've decided when we move to Florida, and I'm almost down with school, the birth control pills will be thrown out. We'll go from there. I don't know if we'll pursue fertility treatments, we'll have to wait and see. Like I said, I'm blessed with more than I could have ever imagined, so I don't want to be selfish. If that makes sense.

So thanks for reading. I'm going to try and take my mind off of things, and go give my baby a bunch of kisses.

:)

I'm scared.

Well, I haven't posted about this, because I don't like to think about it, or talk about it, and barely acknowledge it.

But this weekend it smacked me in the face, and I realized I have to talk about it, think about it, because its most likely going to affect us.

My mom, as you know is a strong independent woman. She's very active, and proud of her abilities to do "men's work". I'm very proud of her, and I will admit I got that stubborn streak from her. We both love to prove to men we can do whatever they can do it we put our mind to it.

She's also had a rough couple of years, thanks to my dad and a certain home wrecking whore. But, she's worked through it (and I think she's somewhat dating someone, though she won't admit it). She's been totally strong, kept her faith in God, and been so strong. I love her so much. I admire her. Would love to be like her.

Anywho, she's been having some health problems. It started off with Epstein Barr's, progressed into having some shortness of breath, and tiredness. And now, it's having numbness in her limbs, and sometimes her legs give out on her.

They suspect she's either had a stroke. Or multiple sclerosis.

They think it's the latter. She's currently seeking a second opinion because the neurologist was a total jack off.

I tried to put it to the back of my mind till we got a definite diagnosis. But she had a rough weekend. Her legs didn't support her when she was crossing the street (A stuffed Elmo caught her fall), my sister was there to help. She couldn't get out of the pool, she fell back in twice. She was holding C, so that threw her balance off. She was dealing with numbness in her foot all night. We both were freaked out.

I'm not worried about C. She was fine.

I worry about my mom. I know MS is not usually fatal. But it can strip her of her active, independent lifestyle. Which scares me, hurts me. And I hurt for her. I want to see her do what she wants to do! She lives alone, I'm scared she will fall and hurt herself.

I'm just a bundle of nerves. I had to leave early, so I could come home and process this, get upset, and her not see me. I know she knows I'm worried, but I don't want her to see my weakness.

So if you could please pray for her. Pray for healing, a diagnosis, something.

Thanks so much.

And if anyone has any info about MS, please share! I'm doing research now because I've been avoiding it all.

Thanks Again!

Are you kidding me?!

I was browsing through blogs since C finally went down for the night.

I came upon this post of Tertia's (So Close). (Click on words to make link appear). After being disgusted at what ZSuzSanna said about her and IVF (on which she's VERY misinformed) I decided to check our her church's website.

This is what I found.

http://www.faithfulwordbaptist.org/IVF.html

Seriously? Are you for real?

It's not a lack of faith for me, it was another option. It's my opinion God let us discover certain procedures to cure or help certain people. I know people can abuse it, but there will always be people abusing a good thing.

I consider myself a Christian. No, I'm not perfect and I will never claim to be. And I cannot stand anyone of any religion who pulls the holier than though crap, and judges others. Um, dudes, its says not to judge! I know people make snap judgements, I'm guilty, but I try to not let first impressions stay with me. (I've learned the hard way)

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way as you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (NIV) Matthew 7:1-2

I just cannot believe how uninformed and ignorant these people are. No, I did not do IVF, but we certainly were planning on it. And it wasn't an easy decision because of our Christian background. I don't have a problem with IVF, I just have an issue when it comes to leftover embryos (if we had any).

What stupid, ignorant, close minded people. Obviously fertility is not an issue for them, since they are expecting NUMBER 5!

I feel sorry for thier congregation. Those people have little empathy for others, and I hate to see them guiding others. They could really screw up people who aren't strong in thier beliefs. I feel sorry for thier children.

God Forbid anyone find that site when they are contemplating IVF. The decision to use IVF is not an easy one for most. No one should be judged for wanting to add to their family. Unfortunately that's just the way it is.

Any else have any thoughts?

Thank God for small miracles.

My husband got a call yesterday from an old neighbor of ours from when we lived in military housing.

I don't know if I posted it or not(and I'm too lazy too look), but there was a drive by shooting in the trailer park next door. Which pretty much sealed our decision into moving into a better area. We just had to wait till BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) went up so, you know, we could afford to eat. And after 3 years of putting up with the hell hole that was our house, we got the word we could afford a home in a better area.

Anywho, about the call. Apparently, there was another drive by shooting in the trailer park. But a bullet happened to land near a window IN MY OLD HOUSE! And its still empty (thank GOD) I would be so upset if someone got hurt.

I immediately teared up when DH told me and grabbed my baby and hugged her. We could have been hurt or killed if we stayed there. I worry for my old neighbors and thier kids.

No one listened to me when I complained, and most looked at me like I was crazy. Like I was making it up. Why would I? Do you think I was happy living next door to a shit hole. Scared to death that a bullet could pop in the huge window that was in our living room?!

NOW they are finally doing something about it, they are getting the command involved (Why didn't they do this a long time ago when others complained about it?) Why does something bad or almost bad have to happen in order for someone to pay attention.

Seriously.

I'm pissed at the local police.

I'm pissed at the people and nieghbors who looked at me like I was crazy!

I'm pissed that fuckers have to mess with other people's lives. If you want to kill each other, do it somewhere there's not family and kids around. Selfish bastards.

And I thank God I'm not living there anymore. I thank God BAH was raised. I thank God I live in a safe neighborhood.

Ok. Vent over. People amaze me.

Wordless Wednesday: This is what happens when Daddy blow drys C's hair.

Charleigh at 4 months.

Tomorrow, Charleigh will be four months. I can't believe it.

Time is flying by, and I'm trying to soak in every minute. I don't have her baby book with me at the moment, and Charleigh has hit some new milestones, so I'm trying to remember them.

It always seems when I'm a teensy bit concerned she's not going to hit her milestone at the "average" time, she proves me wrong.

So.

Yesterday Charleigh rolled over from front to back. I told DH to look (he was sitting right beside her talking to me), and he was like.. you pushed her over. I told him nope. He flipped her back over and she proceeded to roll over again. Then she got tired of us flipping her back over to her belly so she started fussing. lol

Just two days, she finally got the whole tummy time concept. Instead of sitting there and screaming till I "rescue" her, or sucking her hands till she goes to sleep, she pushed herself up and looked around.

It's amazing how fast they learn. One day she pushed herself up, the next she is rolling over.

She giggles, but we have to usually work for them. If she is tired, forget it. She'll just stare at you like your stupid.

She is a big smiler. At least to us. It takes her a while to warm up to friends and family. But she will "flirt" with random people in the store.

She loves to be in her carrier. It's a godsend. Whenever we are out and she gets whiny, I can just hook her up into the carrier and she is out. Love it.

She still hates traveling and her carseat. So as soon as she figures the whole sitting up thing on her own, we are tossing (or giving away) the infant seat and investing in a convertible carseat.

She loves to check out her toys or go to new places. Whenever we go to a new store or a friends house she is entertained for hours just checking out the newness. She's very curious. Has been since she was about 2 weeks old.

She loves her Bumbo.

I tried giving her pears for her first solid, and she loved them. She kept staring at me and imitating me when I was eating. I know I'm a little early. But she seemed ready. It's not a routine thing yet, but she gets excited when she does have them.

She hated (hates) the heat. She gets cranky. Just like her mama. She slept so much while we were in Florida.

Charleigh has the chubbiest thighs, and nothing else is really chubby on her except her feet. She has short and chubby feet. She's 4 months old and can't wear a size one shoe yet. Even with her being a "bigger baby" she still wears 0-3 months clothes cause she's on the short side.

She now recognizes what her bottle is, and when she is hungry, she gets so excited when she sees it.

Speaking of eating. She is now so curious, just checking out who ever is feeding her does not satisfy her. She has to check everything out. Which can make feeding time a long process.

She has started to become attached to me and have stranger anxiety. I think its a little early. But I am her main caregiver, and I'm too paranoid to leave her with anyone. I'm scared that she will get upset like she does, and I'm not there to calm her down. Because when she gets that way, I'm normally the only one who can get her to calm down.

Oh, and the best thing of all. She can say........ mama! :) She says it when she needs comfort. She also says it when DH holds her and she's upset. I'm not sure if she knows what it means... but I'm taking it. :)

One year ago today...

I haven't been the best blogger, but being on vacation, sick, and taking care of a baby hasn't left me much time. Charleigh does not like the heat. So she's been very demanding, tired, and cranky.

Dh is bogged down with school work. So we haven't had much time to do much. Hopefully the instructor will go easy on him this weekend. The man needs a break.

So, on to my title. 1 year ago today, I got a positive on an HPT. The first one I have seen since my miscarraige in March of 2005. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Also the scariest. We wanted a baby so bad, what if I miscarried this one?

It was one of the happiest days of my life. Finally. After the heartaches, depression, and such.We both had to believe that we were going to have a healthy baby. And we did!

And I had a healthy pregnancy, and now have this beautiful little baby. It's unbelievable at times that's she's ours. While motherhood can be tough at times. I've never been happier. Seeing that big ole grin on her face when she sees me in the morning. Or hearing her laugh. or when she wants to be snuggled and keeps saying mamamamamama. Even when she wakes up in the middle of the night. I love every moment.

I never thought I would get those moments. God has blessed us greatly. And I don't thank Him often enough.

One year. It's just so crazy.